Bullying - for kids only? 

By Linda Kracht 

Bullying is a hot topic for bloggers, social workers, school officials, parents, psychologists, and even the government! The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) defines “bullying as any unwanted aggressive behavior(s) by another youth or group of youths, who are not siblings or current dating partners, involving an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.” Say again? 

The statement from the CDC implies that bullying is negative behavior limited to youths who are in no way related to or in relationship with the person they are bullying. Is that true? 

Today, the author led a women’s group in a discussion about family life. One of the participants intimated that family get-togethers were getting more and more difficult for her mother because the mother’s siblings were becoming increasingly hostile to the mother’s religious and albeit political beliefs. The adult siblings would gather at family functions and, as if pre-planned, gather around her mother and goad her with obvious, anti-Catholic questions, sentiments, and statements about obvious issues. They appear to sharpen their axes to grind in unison for these occasions. Unfortunately the mother no longer feels welcome or respected at these family functions. Her own immediate family remains faithfully Catholic while her extended family including her siblings and their offspring have chosen to step off the religious grid. 

While the questions and topics are fair to debate and bring up for discussion among honest and open brokers, the siblings don’t appear to be of that mindset. Neither do they try and keep it fair, balanced or sensitive to the social or mental wellbeing of their orthodox sister. The unified front by the siblings causes the Catholic sister to feel as if she is under attack. 

 But, the CDC tells us that adults and/or dating partners do not fit the classification of bullies; so what types of foes are they? Merely domestic aggressors? I disagree. If anything feels like and looks like bullying, the shoe fits and so does the name.

Is the mother’s docile approach the best one to take is the bigger question? Acting indifferent certainly falls within the psychologists’ recommended actions to take against bullies; but, does it work? Normally, a victim of bullying has two basic choices: Fight or Flight. In this case, flight does not seem to be working. In fact, the mother’s anxiety increases prior to extended family gatherings out of concern that it will re-occur and it almost always does. Is there anything else she can do short of cutting off ties with her siblings? 

When resolving situations like this, it is always helpful to ask ‘what would Jesus do’? While this may seem like a trite answer, let’s consider what he did do. We read in Luke 23:9-11 the following:“When Herod questioned Jesus at some length, Jesus gave him no answer. The chief priest sad scribes stood by, vehemently accusing him. Even Herod and his soldiers treated him with contempt and mocked him, then he put on an elegant robe and had him sent back to Pilate. That same day, Herod and Pilate became friends with each other, before this they had been enemies. “ Is it possible that the siblings have grown closer together because of their collective harassment of their Catholic sister - much like Pilate and Herod? 

Consider what Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote in his Letters From Prison: “Folly is a more dangerous enemy to the good than evil. One can protest against evil; it can be unmasked and if need be, prevented by force. Evil always carries the seeds of its own destruction, as it makes people at the least, uncomfortable. Against folly we have no defense. Neither protests nor force can touch it; reasoning is of no use; facts that contradict personal prejudices can simply be disbelieved - indeed the fool can counter by criticizing them, and if they are undeniable, they can just be pushed aside as trivial exceptions. So the fool, as distinct from the scoundrel, is completely satisfied; in fact, he can easily become dangerous, as it does not take much to make him aggressive. A fool must therefore be treated more cautiously than a scoundrel, we shall never gain try to convince a fool by reason, for it is both useless and dangerous.” 

Are the siblings fools to treat cautiously or simply ones to feel sorry for because of their lack of sympathy and awareness of their sister’s discomfort because of their own insecurities? What exactly should the sister do? Even Jesus remained mute when the questioners were obviously not interested in the Truth. What are in the cards for this woman? Avoidance, ostracism, or remaining angry and anxious whenever the situation reoccurs? What? 

A father recently shared this story to me. Let me tell you about the son’s situation before resolving what the sister ought not do and what she ought to do. The son was being bullied in school by his peers some years ago. The father’s advice to his son was to ignore the  harassment; but, that obviously wasn’t working very well for anyone. The bullies kept bullying and the son was feeling worse about his own situation every week that went by.  The father turned to a book entitled Engaging the Powers by Walter Wink for good counsel. Wink argues in the third chapter [entitled Jesus’ Third Way] [http://cpt.org/files/BN%20-%20Jesus'%20Third%20Way.pdf] that Jesus showed us a third way to respond to aggression (neither fight or flight). His Way included: He seized the moral initiative;  He stood His ground;  He made the powers to be make decisions for which they were not really prepared for; He obviously recognized his own power and restrained himself while facing the humiliating circumstances without resorting to violence; He was willing to suffer the humiliation for  a greater good; He forced his oppressors to see Him in a new light by the words He used and the postures He took; He asserted his own humanity and dignity as a person within the encounters; He met force with opposing, equal non-force; He exposed the injustice of the situation; and He shamed some of his oppressors into repentance. Wink includes other points in Jesus’ Third way and you can read about them at the previous link. Rather than discussing the effectiveness of each one (that is for future essays), let’s look at the overall effect on His oppressors. It sent most of them into situations and decisions from which they never again had the upper hand. 

After reading Wink’s book, the father realized that he needed to teach his son the Third Way. They approached the parents of the bully; forgave the bully (before being asked) and laid out additional steps toward a peaceful resolution. This effectively changed the tides for both families. The bully never did become good friends with the son but at least he stopped bullying him.

Perhaps this is the solution for the Catholic woman as well. Perhaps she should call up each sibling individually, ask to meet with them, forgive them for their mistreatment of her (before they ask) and set the record straight about how she feels about their bullying, her faith and her beliefs. Then she could ask if they have questions about her beliefs and ask for time to discuss it with the individual sibling - then and there. While forging a mutual agreement on all matters of faith and morals is unlikely, it may at least give them the chance to see her in a completely new light. It should prove to them she is willing to stand her ground going forward. It may force a few of them to make different choices when getting together at family functions. They will likely not be prepared for this new found courage from their sister. It will prove to them that she has taken control of the former power dynamic and turned it upside down. It could also end up with various offers of repentance. At a minimum, it will probably take some of the wind out of the coalition of bullying.

Perhaps I ought to take my own advice. It is way too easy for me to act completely the opposite of the docile sister. Perhaps, I have offended others in my own defense of faith and morals. It is easier to see the log in my brothers eyes than in my own that is for sure.  May the Lord have mercy on all of us blockheads.

A few questions and thoughts from a connected mom

I am interested in reading the one on Parenting Good Social Citizens as I want to ensure there are "how to" tools that parents can use to teach our children social and emotional skills that you seem to refer to. But most important: how to engage children in having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ? And how to prevent that in later years they rebel because they feel that parents forced the faith on them.

I have a 7 year old daughter is just said last night "It is MY choice, not yours mom" on whether she should do something or pray. And for the first time, I hear "Mom, I really like someone"... thank God my husband Jesus and I don't react but rather respond asking wisdom from the Holy Spirit!

So do you have tools to help us counteract these lies that the enemy is feeding our children? If we do not address them, these lies become entrenched and they base their choices and behaviors on these deceptive thoughts. The enemy is actively working to create a divide among children and parents. The truth is that the faith formation classes offered at parishes are ineffective at building and strengthening that relationship in Christ so they can support the work and faith formation and leading by example we do at home. M. C.
 

My response: 

I think my book (Mothers Forever, Fathers Forever: Parenting Against the Tide)  fits the bill that you are hoping for. That was my intent – to offer tools on how to parent good social citizens, children of faith, etc. ... I think I forgot to attach the first lesson so here it is again.

How did you respond to your daughter when she said it is her choice? My suggestion would be the following: God, as a loving parent, gave us all free will. This is true, all of us have our own choice to make however that is also why God gave you parents rather than having human babies on their own completely after being born like many animals. Certainly by the age of seven, all animals are on their own. So by your age, they have to fend for themselves, feed themselves, etc. I don’t think you want that or are ready for that. Then God also laid on our hearts the commandment of obedience. We obey for good reason (outlined in my book). Even Jesus was obedient to his father . Children have the duty of obeying their parents in part because of appreciation for being given life freely, being taken care of …. Etc. So, right now, it is our choice to pray and since you are a child and bound by obedience, you will pray as well with us.

 Regarding I really like someone. That’s fine dear except, why do you really like that someone… Then have that discussion and suggest that love and like are two different things. IT’s ok to like someone but we are called to like everyone. Inform her again, that at the age of 7, one is not ready to be exclusive. Not even at 15 or 18. (again, in the book)….

The book doesn’t have these types of examples, that’s the purpose of the book club. And also my blog… check that out as well. I am happy to continue our dialogue. I am going to post your questions and my responses on my blog after I finish with this email.

Also you should ask her where she came up with the choice thing? I doubt it was her own idea…. So that would be a good line of questioning to pursue.

And I agree, the forces are there to separate parents from teens and children. That is the whole point of our Parenting Teens: Building Strong Futures; Daughters Forever, Sons Forever, etc.

Sincerely,

Linda Kracht 

Fortifying Families of Faith 

Helicopter Parenting

Several articles have emerged noting increased concerns by “experts” about the negative impact that China’s one child policy may have on future generations, society as a whole, and the children raised by their doting parents. Most Chinese parents comply and/or conform to this governmental decree generating evidence that the statute will have negative psychological and sociological repercussions on that nation sometime down the road. For example, too many parents are fostering “narcissistic” and self centered offspring since they have only one child to “worry over”. China runs the risk of generating populations with severe shortages of females.
Lest America gets too smug about our freedom to be able to have as many children as we wish, it should be noted that most American parents willingly subscribe to the same philosophy that less children is better. And that is even more significant –we willingly take on the emerging problems linked to low birth rates. In fact, most Americans tend to have fewer children than required to replace themselves; we only have a “higher than European or Chinese” birth rate because of the higher birth rates among our new immigrants – legal and illegal. So, it follows that America runs the risk of raising youthful personalities who tend toward narcissism and self centeredness. It also follows that today’s parents may drift toward helicopter parenting – a parenting type that is overly indulgent, worried, involved, controlling, meddling, interfering, and pushy – as they choose to have fewer children to “worry over”.
Schools are beginning to realize this sociological phenomenon as well. Pastors, teachers, and school principals alike complain that too many parents are overly concerned about the popularity of child/ self and not as much concerned about being responsible parents who “effectively” parent. In fact, too many parents readily fit the mold of helicopter parents – they excessively concern themselves over their children’s affairs that measure external performance or affect social “standings” - like grades, test scores, position on the athletic team - rather than spending energy into forming the whole (the character and integrity ) of the child. Unfortunately, the helicopter parent isn’t limited to grade school matters; in fact this type of parenting does not change much even though the offspring mature. These types of parents march in droves to schools – colleges as well as grammar schools - to complain about the difficulty of their student’s courses and corresponding low grades; or they complain when their student sits too long on the bench during athletic events or fails to secure a starting position; some complain when their students failed to secure a top ten position or entrance into the National Honor Society, even though the students failed to rightfully earned these tributes. These same parents are too frequently bamboozled into believing their students’ untruthfulness over teachers’, peers’ or other parents’ truthful complaints and concerns. These types of parents believe that the world revolves around their child. Unfortunately the helicopter parent is able to wield a certain degree of power at different levels; after all, the “squeaky wheel is what gets the grease”. But the power that these parents wield is not respected or respectful of others.
Recently, our parish pastor told me that the problem is so great that someone needs to write a good book about effective parenting – one that exhorts parents to love parenting and how to parent well while admonishing those who fail to parent and/or avoid parenting at all costs.
On the other hand, too many parents are lumped into the helicopter parent category when they express genuine concerns about their student’s grades, performance, or behaviors. We know of a family who expressed legitimate concerns about their son’s lackluster academic performance only to be embarrassed into “letting go”. Two semesters and $40,000 later, the son flunked out of college due to the development of a drug problem. Had the college proffered up the information they had at their fingertips, an earlier intervention or positive solution may have been found. Most parents know their child better than teachers, coaches, and other people; we are frequently the first to sense a problem sooner than in loco parentis adults. In fact, one professor reminds parents that her own “hovering” saved her college son’s life. Nobody else had recognized the symptoms behind his emerging mental illness.
Yes it is true, that all parents need to be their children’s advocates but not at the expense of instilling narcissism or ego-centrism in their own child. While parents should encourage their students to “find their potential” we must always remind our students that their talents are God-given and not self-directed. As in all areas of life, balance is the name of the game. Watching over the infusion of character in all aspects of our kids’ lives including their spiritual, mental, physical, cognitive, emotional, and social life is important. Neglect or unnecessary concerns with regard to only a few developmental areas will result in the ridiculous hovering and over-parenting that is never effective.
Do we all hover at different times? Probably, but it is much easier to hover when we don’t have enough to worry about; conversely it is more difficult to hover when there is plenty to worry about!
Recently one young woman proclaimed to me that few women can effectively parent seven children in today’s world– there is simply too much to worry about. After badgering her for further explanation, she ended up concluding that maybe she needed to research her statement more. But her attitude is so typical of the social indoctrination that has been willingly “adopted” by our modern society which has unnecessarily over-medicalized natural processes including birth, birth regulation, menopause, fertility cycles, etc. It comes in part from modern day sociologists who suggest that motherhood and breastfeeding are just two more ways that allow males to have dominance over females! Or those who suggest that motherhood is so much more difficult today because new mothers are expected to be super heroes who have to go through pregnancy without drinking a drop of liquor, smoking cigarettes, maintaining low weights, have to use car seats for any other kids, all the while trying to break through glass ceilings. These writers forget that previous generations of mothers had to combine pregnancy and mothering efforts with gardening (by necessity), sewing (by necessity), cooking (no eating out for these hard working moms), and no babysitters or nannies for these moms, etc. And they also forget what real life is all about. For example, a recent article quoted Angelina Jolie as saying that having children and sacrificing for them is what has taught her the meaning of authentic love! Sounds to me like she is beginning to get the gist behind theology of the body and the family.
Let me conclude with one final story. Friends of ours have a single daughter – needless to say the mother worries constantly about her young adult more than I have time for with regard to my four adult and three emerging adult children and their spouses and children. By the way, we now have eleven grandchildren and life is busy and fun! One day I asked this mother to “babysit” our two youngest children; sure enough, that was the day Patrick fell down while riding his bike and got a bit “beat up”. This friend called to ask whether she should run Patrick to the emergency room. After asking a few questions, I was satisfied that he would be fine; I also told her we would be home within the hour as planned – needless to say we did not rush home! After arriving home at the expected time, we felt the brunt of her admonishment for being too casual about the whole accident. After all, we did not rush home or allow her to take Patrick to the hospital. She worried that he might have internal bruising or a broken bone. I told her that a broken bone was impossible since he was walking about without crying. I also reminded her we had quite a bit of experience with broken legs. Her look told me clearly that she wasn’t surprised to hear why!
This story paints the gulf that exists between those of us with many kids and varied experiences and those with few of either. It is the classic difference between those who “power parent” vs. “helicopter parent”. Time management theories plainly lead to the conclusion that parents of a large family have less chance of being and/or staying helicopter parents. While we all may overly parent our first several children, the chances that that flaw will linger dwindles as we get busier and busier with four, five, and six children and more. But I offer this advice to parents – all of us need to create balance between real concern and advocacy vs. over parenting or over casualness with regard to the precious ones that God has given us for a little while. And what a blessing they are. Take the time to consider whether your worries about your little ones just are one more sign that God is calling you to make room for one more!

Responsible parenthood

Responsible Parenthood

NFP (Natural Family Planning) – the great fertility awareness tool that it is - allows us to successfully track biological information in order to know when to try to achieve pregnancy or postpone pregnancy. It essentially provides us with information that gives us “complete” autonomy over family planning matters. NFP frees us from having to rely or resort to man-made barriers or contraceptives that are environmental pollutants and personal/relationship robbers.
Since the use of NFP is always good – why do we still need to pay attention to the Church’s call for responsible parenthood? Simply put, NFP is mere knowledge, what we do with that knowledge still matters. Attitude is everything. As taught in the CCL class, couples may first begin to realize there is a difference in the way the world defines responsible parenthood vs. the way JP ll defined it.
The secular world essentially defines responsible parenthood as the balancing act that entertains both elements of vice and virtue: it is the act of “balancing personal ambition with parental/family guilt”. In other words, the secular world suggests that people will experience guilt over being childless or being absentee parents when they pursue lifestyles that put all their personal talents toward job-related functions. This effort is touted as the way to get ahead- the way; it yields maximum material benefits and personal reward. Simultaneously, the world acknowledges that adults who seek only “materialism” veer toward vice such as selfishness and self centeredness. So society urges adults to have children only to the extent that it mitigates any continued feelings of guilt for “selfishness” and “self centeredness” while allowing them to pursue personal ambitions that provide significant material abundance. These families are propped up as the model for society. Their achievements and family size are said to be the envy of many. But is there any Truth in this model?
My prayer group just finished a short Bible study of the First Corinthians; St. Paul wrote this letter to the new, faithful, Corinthians to urge them to abandon the ways of their secular world and to live according to the Spirit and not the flesh. His urging is just as important and relevant to us today – especially in these matters of sexuality and responsible parenting.
By the way, the Church also defines responsible parenting as a balancing act but one which strives to grow virtue while abandoning all vice. Responsible parenting is all about infusing blessings into and within the family; sometimes these blessings are additional children, always these blessings produce joyful coexistence. And always these blessings move us to grow in virtue and abandon vice. And that is why we must pay attention to whether or not we are practicing responsible parenthood even while using NFP. Responsible parenting is all about developing virtuous attitudes as well as actions; they go hand in hand. We grow in all Virtue in proportion to how we love God; quite naturally it follows that we grow in personal and spiritual virtue in proportion to how we love our spouse and our children.
Our family becomes either one joyful, happy circle of relationships that keep growing us and each other as well as growing our physical numbers; or family can become one that is a hopeless or unhappy and a circle of relationships that keeps its members from growing and loving each other (and God) more.
In truth, responsible parenting must first include a loving relationship with God; we must be open to receiving His enormous blessings before we can authentically love our family members and bring blessings into our family. When we learn to authentically love God first and then our spouse, we are fortified against the ways and opinions of the secular world which castigates couples for: having large families; for not pursuing material wealth; for not putting both mom and dad to work; for breastfeeding; for not aborting a baby with Special Needs, for having a baby when we are over 40, for …

Another Stop?

Vacation stops elicit obvious emotional responses from our kids - young and old. They are either excited about the next stop and look forward to it or they complain or whine about having to take one more hike, get out for one more overlook, or make one more bathroom visit.

We must not let their "ignorance" or negative emotional outburts prevent that next stop! When they least expect it, a dreaded stop suddenly becomes the most interesting, the most challenging, the most rewarding place our children have ever seen!

This past weekend we were driving along Lake Superior aka Gitche Gumee and made "that one more stop" which created a thunderstorm of protest by a certain teenager of ours - he thought it would be the most boring ever. Our thick parenting hides refused to give in to his protests. Is he ever glad we didn't listen to him! It turned out to be the most adventurous stop "he has ever had" including the opportunity to jump off at least a 20 foot rock into the cold waters flowing into Lake Superior. We even captured it on video. Stunningly beautiful for all who visit the shores along Lake Superior! Refreshing for those who dare to enter its waters. An obviously God-made world to all who look with eyes and hearts that are open to His Creations.

Parents present their children with so many learning opportunities as they travel along the highways and biways of this great land. Stop to visit those historic sites & religious shrines including old, barely recognizable presidential centers, Civil War battle sites, Revolutionary War Sites, shrines, cathedrals, and other civic sites your kids thought would be boring! Don't give into their whining and pre-visit complaining. They never know what is truly around the next corner or stop that fuels their interests, peaks their thirst for knowing more about this country, their faith, or their ancestry.

As parents we can appreciate the fact that it is actually fun to learn new things every day. Parents, kindle that love of learning that is all too often lost upon many of the young people around us because it's going to be boring!

Fuel their sense of adventure by letting them learn about lives from long ago - have them hike those same trails, live those same simple lifestyles. And above all, know that many times our kids "doth protest too much" about things they simply do not know.

The Revolving Door Policies for College Students Home for Summer

Do you yearn for your college-bound student to return home for the summer but begin to feel guilty as you look forward to the Fall when they go back to college. Do you wish Fall wasn't so far away? Do we have the same feelings with regard to our younger grade schoolers and high schoolers? Do you wonder where the connectedness went? How was it that we felt so in tune and harmonized to our little children but disconnect with our teens and older children? Is it natural to disconnect or is it a social expectation?

While I don't have answers for these questions, you may be interested to know that it's natural that just about right now many families begin to have adjustment problems with their home-bound students even while loving the fact that they are home once again. Furthermore, the "key lecture" we give our returning students during these adjustment periods often center around the following: reminding him/her that the world does not revolve around them, reminders to consider a "family" schedule, reminders of how to act appropriately around younger brothers and sisters; reminding our college-bound student to be "others" centered, rather than primarily self centered and self focused; reminding them of the importance of family; orienting them back to the family rather than self; reminding them to be helpful around the home rather than to be dependent on other's attention, care, and efforts; reminding them of their spiritual roots, the importance of prayer, Confession and the Church rather than being free-spirited.

These reminders seem especially important around 3-4 weeks after their arrival home. Are lectures orchestrated to occur at this time? No, but the timing of parental lectures is oddly similar; as parents we can "take" a bit of self-centered attitudes from our kids. However; as time goes on and the attitude doesn't "re-adjust" to include others, parents must rise to the occasion and "knock the student off their self-imposed pedestal" by reminding them they are not the center of the universe. This humbling of our students is necessary for their own sake. While we want our children to grow up and become "independent", it is important that we remind them that true freedom and peace comes from discovering and living according to God's will for their lives; peace does not generate in and of the world but from God.

Summer becomes just one more teaching opportunity for parents and one more learning experience for our young adult children who come back home to live. May you all have a great summer. Enjoy those children- life is short. May God Bless you and keep you all safe.

It's Time for Black and White

My new release, entitled Black and White is now available. This book links the Ten Commandments to the Beatitudes found in Matthew's Gospel. The Black and White curriculum teaches about the Ten Commandments in a brand new way; the emphasis is on what we should be doing as Catholics.

The curriculum is perfect for every student; it is especially appropriate for those students who are preparing for Confirmation. It is an excellent tool for stamping/imprinting the Ten Commandments on our children's hearts.

Black and White and its parent/teacher guide are available on my website: http://www.fortifyingfamiliesoffaith.com/ and select Catholic bookstores around the country (including One More Soul.com.). I would like to invite those who are attending the MN Home School conference, May 28 & 29th, to please feel free to stop by my table, introduce yourself and browse through my books designed to fortify families.

For your information, this is an excerpt from the introduction of Black and White:

"Organizations need fundamental, basic constitutions in order to grow and thrive. These provide foundation, basic structure, purpose, mission, and vision. These documents give an institution’s “followers” – i.e. their members - reason to belong, support, and subscribe to the organizational directives.
The Church also has charters, constitutions, and working documents. Most of these are divinely ordained rather than humanly crafted. God has provided the Church with the Ten Commandments, the inspired Bible, and its ecclesiastical structure. Parish communities have sprung up from these basic foundations.
People need structure and organizational directives – especially moral ones - for their personal, social, and spiritual well being. Without direction, anarchy and decadence become likely. All of society needs moral laws to dampen natural selfishness and to provide direction.
Black and White examines God’s moral codes found in the Old and New Testament and the Church’s instruction in the principles of Christianity via the Catechism of the Catholic Church. This book in effect blends God’s moral code found in the Bible with contemporary Catholic instruction. It considers what the commandments and the Church bid us to do as believers. Often people consider what the Ten Commandments forbid rather than considering what we are called to do as Catholics and Christians. As disciples of Christ we are to arm ourselves with virtue and avoid vice and temptation. This book provides a tool for that type of reflection. Black and White is also a type of an examination of conscience booklet. It focuses on what we should do rather than what we should not do. It takes a good hard look at the sins of omission. You will learn more about the sins of omission in the pages to come. "

It's Black and White

My new release, entitled Black and White, is now available. This book links the Ten Commandments to the Beatitudes - it emphasizes what we should be doing as Catholics. A Parent/Teacher guide is also available; this guide outlines each lesson plan and includes a test and answer key.
The Black and White curriculum teaches the Ten Commandments in a new way; too many of our teens don't know the Ten Commandments even though it should be stamped on every Christian heart. This curriculum attempts to change that! This book is designed for students enrolled in CCD or Confirmation classes, or other religious education programs. This curriculum can be used in the home or in class room instruction. It has the Nihil Obstat Certification.
the curriculum can be ordered online at www.fortifyingfamiliesoffaith.com. For those attending the MN Home School Conference at Macalester College May 28 - 29, 2009, I will be there to showcase this work and Daughters Forever, Sons Forever. See you there.

The Designer Baby: Part Two of Three

In the last posting on this topic, we discussed briefly about the fruits or results of In-vitro Fertilization; today, let’s look at the concept of the Designed Baby.


Designer babies are here! While other nations ban sex selection except for “medical purposes,” couples are taking advantage of America’s morally neutral stance with regard to artificial fertilization, reproduction and designer babies. There is a rush of couples from other nations - which prohibit sex selection except for medical reasons - to facilities like Dr. Jeffrey Steinberg’s Northridge Hospital Medical Center. They come to this clinic to get their boy, their girl, or their “perfect” blue-eyed, blonde baby. They come from here and abroad; some come to Steinberg’s clinic from China, Canada, Australia, Mexico and some European nations. They come because they afford to be picky about their progeny.


Steinberg is proud to offer sex selection services to infertile couples; he is happy to sell consumer eugenics to his conditional parents-to-be. They are conditional because they don’t want certain babies. He offers embryo selection, sex selection, and the prevention of sex-linked or inherited disease to these couples. He offers services that need to be confronted and contended with.


The Caiphas effect is readily obvious when proffered opinions state: “sex selection of embryos is clearly ethical when the method is used to prevent genetic disease but not the choosing of one gender over the other!” Designing babies fails to respect all life - it also dishonors the natural human reproduction processes. The immorality of these artificial reproductive processes should be obvious when the clinics also offer low interest, 100% financing complete with discounted travel packages which include dining, and hotel reservations. This should bother even the conditional parents-to-be - but it doesn't seem to.


Artificial reproduction crossed the bio-ethical line when it moved from assisting natural fertilization to replacing natural fertilization. It crossed the fine moral line when it failed to support and respect all human life.

Artificial reproduction is designed for a very small group of infertile couples who demand and expect pregnancy and view pregnancy as a right rather than a God-given privilege that needs to be safe-guarded and respected.


Artificial reproduction attacks the very entity it is trying to create: new life! It uses Caiphas’ logic to justify certain actions. It treats the creation of human life as a commodity, a consumer good, a profit- making endeavor or a manufacturing process. Soon quality control laboratories will spring up to monitor the “quality” of the designing baby techniques.


In an article from Reason Magazine, Greg Beato ask (3/24/09): “could it be that parents determined to micro-manage their progeny’s eye color are the ones who care the most?” His question is really just an empty pundit because it fails to ask a full question. The real question would ask what these parents care the most about! Could it be that parents determined to micro-manage their progeny’s eye color are the ones who care the most about the intelligence of their baby? Their baby’s looks? Their baby’s height? Their baby’s physical, mental, health characteristics? Could it be that parents determined to micro-manage their progeny’s eye color are the ones who care about – are the most picky about - who they are willing to love? In other words, are the parents, in fact, conditional parents-to-be or caretakers? Is their quest to find the perfect baby because anybody less than perfect just isn’t worth loving and caring for?



These are the real questions that haven’t been asked.


Everyone needs to know that design-a-baby procedures, like design the teddy bear in the shopping malls, occur at $20,000 per procedure. Meanwhile, babies, like my daughter, are especially targeted for extinction! Couples are practicing sexism without being called on the carpet for this prejudice when they only want a boy or a girl. Individuals or couples are hoping to create “genetically superior” offspring by using pre-selected sperm and /or eggs without realizing that even superior offspring can fail miserably in the game of life. More next time...

Parenting Teens

“Awake from your slumbers, arise from your sleep, a new day is dawning for all those who weep…” This song pleads with us to wake up and help usher in a new day.



A refreshing day for society will be when families won’t be accosted by evil; parents won’t feel ineffective and impotent when raising children and teens; teens won’t be driven to accept dangerous catch phrases, notions and philosophies; and spirituality will be viewed as a strength rather than a weakness.


A major network carried the story about two teens (age 13) living in Massachusetts. They were videoed having sexual relationsby a third party. The vidoegrapher shared the cell phone- generated, home-style kiddie porn video with an entire school community. Several things come to mind: where were the parents? What are they teaching their children regarding morality, sexuality, faith, and one's duty to God and their fellow man? What was the videographer thinking? How old was this person? When will the parents wake up and realize that their communication and dialogue about sexuality, morality, ethics, authentic love, self control, faith, and self discipline is vital, and it can’t be limited to “the talk" or passed off to someone else.


Recently I gave a talk about this to a group of adults and I expressed my concerned about parents for a number of reasons. Parents cannot wait for or expect that someone else should/will inform their teens about sexuality, personhood, and faith and morals. Parents must not hope that someone else will teach their children -- including teens. They cannnot rely on the Church to be the sole and primary educator of their children! They certainly must not depend on the child's grade or high schools to teach morality, ethics, authentic love, and the other areas mentioned earlier.



While schools, religious educators, clergy, can certainly support parents’ efforts, formation, and education, the parents must form, teach, instruct, love, support, and protect their children. Parents must impart the faith to their children. These efforts must take place on a personal level.

Parents must awake from their slumbers and step up to the plate; they must lead the dance that engages their teens and pre-teens.

Daughters Forever, Sons Forever is the curriculum that helps parents to exercise this duty. The curriculum offers a text, working workbooks for parents and their teens, DVDs and CDs, prayers for teens, and more. It is inexpensive and easy to implement.

Visit http://www.fortifyingfamiliesoffaith.com/ to order. Companion works will soon be ready also, including: Black and White: An Examination of God’s Moral Laws and A Book For All Seasons.

Parents and the Pill

Many parents claim they don’t know what to do or say to their teens about sexuality, yet, their actions belie their claims! Parents using these excuses are often responsible for bringing their teens into clinics for birth control pills, shots, or other contraceptive devices. Other times, they allow school based clinics or Planned Parenthood clinics to insert themselves as the parental authority in matters of sex, drugs, alcohol, or other areas of concern.


When parents either directly or indirectly let others form their teens in matters of faith, morals, or sexuality, they are giving their consent loud and clear- this communicates their own personal disinterest, fear, approval of the others' message, and more.

It seems disingenuous to claim they don’t know what to do or say as they take their teens in the doors of Planned Parenthood. It seems equally disingenuous when parents don’t resist the efforts of the school based clinics or doctors’ offices which prescribe pills, shots, or vaccinations for sexually transmitted infections. It also seems disingenuous for parents to claim they don’t know where to start when they haven’t searched for material to work with! Parents have got to stop using lame excuses while pretending not to know what is going on!


Everybody knows what is going on! Many parents have handed their responsibilities and duties over to secular, irreligious institutions which promote immoral sexual behaviors. Teens are looking for leadership, guidance, and spirituality. Pills, shots and condoms won’t give them what they are searching for. Visit http://www.fortifyingfamiliesoffaith.com/ for help connecting with your teens! Daughters Forever, Sons Forever may be just the type of curriculum you are looking for.


On a side note. Have you ever wondered why there is a high percentage of heavier teens today? Look no further than the birth control shot: Depo-Provera! This type of contraception causes an average weight gain of 11 pounds and a 3.4% increase of body fat when used for 3 or more years! Users are more likely to become obese when compared to girls who do not use hormonal birth control. Furthermore, over one fourth of girls and women who were given the shot experienced “significant and dangerous body composition changes.”