Perseverance

Perseverance 

We have discussed many virtues this past year. Virtuous living draws us out of ourselves and that’s why it is important to keep talking about the ways to arm ourselves (and our children) with virtue. Each virtue is inextricably linked to supporting virtue(s); what an added boost! Virtues that have their fullest effect are practiced/put to work with love. If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13:1.

All of the above and more applies to this months virtue - perseverance.Perseverance was chosen this month because of the obvious role it played on our Christmas story's main characters!. Consider the perseverance that Mary and Joesph had to draw on while walking the 80 miles plus trip from Nazareth to Bethlehem. Perseverance would also have been necessary for walking another 40 plus miles to Egypt from Bethlehem. That portion of the journey would have held ever more potential for danger and hardship and intrigue.

The trip from Nazareth to Bethlehem - according to different experts would have taken between four or five days when walking at least 18 miles a day! Mary may have had the luxury of riding on the back of a donkey (if they had one) but that animal would have also been pre-loaded with supplies necessary for the two week journey! The donkey would not have been able to provide a cushy seat for Mary - especially considering that she was nine months pregnant!

I vividly recall the discomforts of going camping when eight months pregnant. The camping cots were incredibly uncomfortable. It was nearly impossible to roll over to a different side on a very hard cot with a very large belly. Imagine Mary lying on the cold, hard ground with little rocks digging into her side under that thin blanket. Consider the discomfort when trying to hop up to or down from a donkey! I remember pulling a muscle while simply trying to get out of a canoe that was ground level. Imagine walking roughly twenty miles every day for 5 days straight while nine months pregnant! Was Mary ever afraid of anything during that trip? My own frequent trips to the outhouse during the night compounded my anxieties about things that might go bump in the night. The Israeli nights would have been chilly and dark. Mary and Joseph probably heard all kinds of wild animals growling, creeping and walking nearby. And think of that donkey ride! Yes, it took holy perseverance to make it to Bethlehem - and not because Mary and Joseph were assured of being able to have  a comfortable place to stay upon their arrival! Nope, their extended stay hosted straw, hay, manure and smelly barn animals. Our camping trip discouraged me from planning any future camping campaigns when fully pregnant! Mary didn’t seem discouraged as they set out on the next adventure that took them even further from home and into Egypt while nursing the newborn child. And what about Joseph? He probably asked himself whether the decision to bring Mary along was wise as they bumped along the dirty, hilly roads to Bethlehem. Surely, he worried about the dangers that lurked around them [bandits and bears]. Finding fresh water for Mary, himself, and their donkey - if they had one -  would have been a top concern for Joseph each morning! And the search for firewood (and more water) and fresh meat would have drawn on his personal perseverance! 

And, for many readers, it will take holy perseverance to get through the Christmas/Advent season for reasons that are as complex as family traditions and expectations. So what about perseverance? Why do we all need it?

Normally, we associate perseverance with courage, stamina, and steadfastness when doing something difficult but usually the doing is for ourselves. It’s easier to stay the course when striving to set personal records compared to staying the course when it is filled with unknowns, other people’s expectations, or goals that are not our own. When we get nothing in return for ourselves, personal perseverance is tested more than when we expect to receive a just recompense for a hardship. Perseverance will be expended whenever we experience challenges disaffecting our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing and/or growth.

Earlier, it was mentioned that the virtue of prudence is inextricably linked to perseverance. Let me explain. Most of us would consider it to be highly imprudent to spend time, energy and life savings on finding a Fountain of Youth - and so we don’t do that. Forcing ourselves to experience significant hardships for all the wrong reasons would be a waste of perseverance. It would also be a case of throwing prudence out the window. Good counsel and prudent decision making helps us to avoid experiencing unnecessary hardships; however, even good decision making cannot guarantee that we will only experience positive outcomes. Perseverance will always be needed when bad things happen to any of us.

There is the natural human virtue of perseverance and there is holy perseverance. The former is human-powered and the latter is supported and sustained by divine grace and authentic love. Holy perseverance requires us to work at whatever we do with all our heart, as though we were working for the Lord and not for people.†(Colossians 3:23) This holy perseverance is blessed by the Lord.This perseverance amounts to doing things with strict discipline (perseverance),  not for a crown that is perishable, but for a crown that is imperishable. (1 Corinthians 9:25) St. Catherine of Sienna, Doctor of the Church, teaches the following about perseverance: Holy perseverance is the resolve to serve God in truth. This is our invisible, glorious and holy crown. Holy perseverance is really essential for all of us; we all need it badly. And we can only get it when we are motivated by love. But we cannot get perseverance or love unless our heart and will are stripped of selfish love (for ourselves). Perseverance allows us to know the truth about our own sinfulness. It allows us to know and discern the many graces and gifts we have received from God’s infinite goodness. This knowledge makes us strong and persevering. Perseverance does not allow us to be brought down by the devil’s wickedness and rascally temptations or by the nagging of our selfish frailty or by the world’s flattery or by the difficulties of the rule. No, by the light of most holy faith we would pass through them all with a courageous heart that draws on perseverance. [St. Catherine of Sienna. Magnificat. November 2017. p. 410]

The relationship between love and the specific virtue is circular. The more we love others, the more we will persevere in doing things with strict discipline for the crown that is imperishable. The more that we practice strict discipline, the more we will be able to love others authentically. And that is the Christmas story- and the Easter story. Love came down to earth, not for His sake but for ours. Mary, Joseph and especially Jesus’ perseverance show us the way to Heaven. Holy perseverance invites us to love God more and more and self less and less. St. Catherine of Sienna had it right. We need Perseverance and Love to walk like Jesus; Mary, his mother; Joseph; the Three Kings; the shepherds; and the angels. We will be able to follow the Star of Bethlehem when we practice holy perseverance. What does that path look like for you and me? It’s certainly something to think about this Advent. 

Merry Christmas and may you all have a very blessed New Year.

What’s Going On With Our Men? 

What’s really at stake when men — husbands, fathers, brothers, cousins, sons, and neighbors —  objectify women through sexual misconduct? Why do they do this? While mainstream America seems to have concluded that personal power corrupted these men’s hearts, we are free to question that conclusion. After all, men who have absolutely no power with regard to personal position, wealth, influence, personality, or accomplishments also have been accused of objectifying women in the same manner. Let’s talk about the real reasons and consequences.

If power is not the sole corrupter of our hearts, what is? I believe men — (and women) — rich or poor — act with diminished human dignity when they actually lack personal power. Not the kind of power that we tend to associate with influence, authority, money, or popularity. Rather the kind of power that allows one to treat others well because that’s how they wish to be treated. This is also known as the Golden Rule which basically summarizes God’s commandments four through ten. The Golden Rule necessarily acknowledges that the treatment of others hinges on how well we obey commandments one through three. These first three commandments teach us to love God with our whole heart, mind and soul and then directs us how to love our neighbors in the next seven commandments. We can’t get the first three commandments right if we don’t get the last seven right; it’s also true, that we won’t get the last seven commandments right if we fail to obediently love God first and foremost. The Golden Rule is foundational to our interior strength/power. 

Authentic power/strength is the sum total of one’s personal integrity, virtue, Faith, authentic love of God and more. This interior disposition invites us to treat others with the greatest dignity and respect. This interior strength keeps our hearts, body, mind and soul in sync with God’s moral authority and vice versa. This strength mostly rests outside of ourselves; it is not self made compared to the personal power associated with acquisition of money, position, influence, popularity, or accomplishment. Therefore, authentic power is not afraid of putting others’ interests ahead of self interests. Interior power does not diminish with time; Divine Grace advances it for a lifetime and beyond. Authentic power reins in the temptations associated with selfishness including arrogance, the objectification of others, dishonesty, pride, etc. 

The recent sexual misconduct scandals reveal just how little power the accused men actually had. Few of them could keep their own jobs despite current and past successes. Ultimately, they had no control over the women who decided to out their bad behavior regardless of the personal consequences. They also lacked prudence, temperance, justice, and self control because their own bad choices, decisions and habits had morphed into their own enslavement to personal addictions, immoral lifestyles, loss of faith, and self-justification. Their personal freedom to choose and act well were compromised. In other words they enslaved themselves to their own desires. 

The seriousness of these scandals ought to prompt a national discussion with regard to the cause and the cures. The scandals argue against the philosophy that men and women will naturally choose good over wrongdoing in most cases! (The Enlightenment Philosophy) But how can a person choose good and avoid evil if they are not taught what is right and wrong and hold those things to be true? Over the last several decades, moral relativism which argues against right or wrong for everyone has expanded its reach to all walks of life. Hopefully these scandals will wake us up to its impact. Yes, there is right and wrong, and yes, we can identify it as did the recent victims.

Society also seems accepting of the mantra: lets let boys be boys without actually clarifying what that means. When said with a wink and a nod, the mixed message seems problematic at best. And the underlying message apparently give boys (and men) unspoken permission to use love to get sex. Conversely, it also gives an unspoken permission to girls to use sex to get love. Unfortunately, we have granted both genders an unqualified permission to use other people for their own selfish interests. That is the very definition of objectification of another human being. While we can use things, we must never learn to use people. 

Modern day drama proves all too often that too many couples traded long term happiness in for short term pleasures creating a crises among families, children, and parents. Pornography use plays a heavy role in this hurtful drama which in the long run disaffects families much like any other catastrophe. Pornography is more addictive than some opioids (another tsunami hitting families); it is one of the main causes of divorce; it is readily available at younger and younger ages warping ideas about happiness and relationships; it alters the male brain chemistries changing the way men relate to women; the industry enslaves women in various ways to demeaning lifestyles; and it persuades young girls of the need to dress and act like porn stars they observe on the Big Screens. How did it get to be such a big industry unless it had significant, silent approval? 

Let us pray for the courage to argue for the cures and against the causes with conviction, love and mercy. Let us answer truthfully  when challenged by the Who Are You To Judge questions? In fact, Dr. Edward Sri, author of the book of the same title,  suggests countering with this: “So, basically I hear you asking me not to judge others even as you are now judging me to be judgmental…” We have to work to restore God’s moral code which is black and white with regard to moral right and wrong. 

The accusers — while sharing some things in common and many things probably not in common — arrived at the same conclusion. The perpetrators wronged them! The women felt horribly violated and for good reason. They spoke with credibility. Like these brave souls, may all of us speak with moral authority about the causes and the cures of the many ills hitting this nation for the sake of our men, our neighbors, our brothers and husbands, our fathers and our co-workers and our families. Let us speak out in truth about love and life; mercy; and the real purpose and meaning of marriage and sexuality this Advent & Christmas Season. 

May you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year. 

Will the Real Wonder Woman (WW) Please Stand Up?

Will the Real Wonder Woman (WW) Please Stand Up? 

Wonder Woman is “the most popular female comic-book superhero of all time. Generations of girls have carried their sandwiches to school in Wonder Woman lunch boxes. Like every other superhero, Wonder Woman has a secret identity. Unlike every other superhero, she also has a secret history,”  writes Jill Lepore [Jill Lepore. The Surprising Origin Story of  Wonder Woman. The Smithsonian Magazine. October 2014]. What was her secret identity? Why was it hush-hush?

Wonder Woman’s creator went undiscovered for years. When Dr. William Moulton Marston, an internationally famous psychologist, was named as WW’s comic creator, people were surprised. Why was his identity shrouded in secrecy? Perhaps, DC Comics knew that his left-leaning sympathies, relationships, and collaborations within the women’s suffrage, feminism and birth control movements of the early 1900s — if discovered — would invite large numbers of critics to boycott his creation - Wonder Woman. After all, Marston was a free-thinking guy who lived a “thousand lives and a thousand lies.” [Jill Lepore] Still his underground work within the various feminist movements probably would have doomed his Wonder Woman character.

What standards did Marston defy? His marriage included two women and children with both. He had close personal relationships with Margaret Sanger - now dubbed the Father of Planned Parenthood - in part because his youngest lover was her niece although he introduced her as his widowed sister. She joined his family after Marston issued his wife the ultimate ultimatum — either allow his new college student lover a place in their home or he would divorce her. She consented and the three of them lived together, bore him several children during similar time periods, and kept secrets secret. Even his children did not realize the pseudo widow was a mother to several sons.

Human persons are created in the image and likeness of God - our Creator. Man also creates things in his own image. So it was with Wonder Woman. Like Marston, she also defied social and religious norms of the times — but right under the noses of her natural critics. Who is Wonder Woman? She is Diana, Princess of the Amazons; Merciful Minerva; a demigod who can save today; and is the “man who can.” She fought for the rights of the suffragette and the feminist in a sneaky but inviting way!

What’s wrong with identifying with Wonder Woman? After all, women really are a natural combination of wit, intelligence, compassion, emotions, intuition, inner strength, and gentleness. But there’s something intrinsically off when women link pre-feminism with chains and bondage. There’s something amiss when women strive to be like men while declaring them to be chauvinists.  Women are better served by discovering their true feminine genius, TELOS (purpose), and worth without blaming others. Discovery of the unique opportunities available only to women should include but are not limited to bearing children, achieving pregnancy, feeding babies with mama’s milk, and nurturing others as only women can. Women limit who they are and who they can be by comparing themselves to anyone they are not — male or female!

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The following paragraphs taken from my book entitled: Mothers Forever, Fathers Forever: Parenting Against the Tide hopefully prompts women to cast aside any false imagery attached to Wonder Woman. It’s admirable for women to recognize and appreciate the important role they play when giving life to others — literally and figuratively. Women can have it all — but never all at once. The pace of doing and being — excellently — establishes goodness and order! We all benefit when life’s challenges encourage us to embrace the cross of Jesus - lifting up our fallen natures during the embrace. We all lose when embracing notions that bind us to chains of any kind.

Blessed Fulton J. Sheen believed that women should be held in high esteem because of their unique role in society. Only women have the unique ability to be a double benefactress for humanity. Wow - what opportunity! Not only is a woman capable of physically preserving humanity but she is also the principle moral provider of humanity.[Fulton J, Sheen.Three to Get Married. P147] What exactly does Blessed Fulton Sheen mean? Does his old-fashioned mantra keep women chained to the bedroom and the home? I don’t think so. Let’s try to better understand what Bishop Sheen meant.  

Sheen suggested that women have a rare ability to tame (civilize) men because she is the principal moral provider of humanity. This means she is fully capable of knowing what’s right and wrong and teaches it to others. This means she naturally encourages moral living for the sake of others. This means she bears a role similar to that of the Blessed Virgin - to help save others.  Over the course of centuries, the Church has commented on the natural spiritual advantages (superior spirituality and more natural spiritual/religious inclinations) of women over men. That was — in part — what Blessed Sheen was referring to. Is that advantage still evident? Its fair to wonder how many women are interested in morality or envision themselves as a benefactress for humanity today.

Women prove they have this unique ability to tame and civilize men when their men gladly and willingly assume the role of husband and father (and in that order) in lieu of more manly interests and pursuits. When men become fathers before promising to become husbands for the course of their lifetime, they are usually not domesticated enough to do small things with great love. Statistics show time and again that many of these men eventually become absentee fathers who fail to hold the interest of the children at heart because they don’t have the interests of the children’s mothers at heart. They also find their wives to be distractions to real living found in pornography, parties, and wild women. These men remain unsatisfactory life partners prompting their ex-wives to assume the role of Wonder Woman for the sake of her children. 

Male attitudes have changed over the past few decades in part because women no longer depend on them. This shift in attitudes follows decades of charges of sexism and chauvinism from women who insist they can and will do their part by bringing in as much or more income to the household as their men. Psychoanalyst Dr. Erica Komisar, in a recent interview, has found that the promises of women to work forever, and the challenge: “'I’m going to make as much money as you’ is a testosterone-like kind of competition with their partners.” (James Taranto. The Politicization of Motherhood. The Wall Street Journal. Oct 28-29, 2017.)

In the past, women seemed better equipped to distract their males for a lifetime of family living — despite multiple hardships and troubles.  This was good for society and families. The Wonder Woman phenom may encourage men unwittingly to change their focus back to doing for self rather than being present to their families. After all, women can now save the day too. Men who remain unchanged by love become less and less important to women and children because of their self pursuits.

Tragically, WonderWoman really isn’t interested in raising her own children — or even having any children causing her to miss out on the fact that “mothers have traditionally served as the primary example of unconditional love that protects the child from the external world. This creates a sense of inner contentment that allows the child to feel secure and self-assured.” [Bell Stone. Beyond the First Amendment: The Social and Psychological Implications of Political Correctness. March 25, 2011.]

Sheen’s vision of women is largely eschewed today by many modern day experts because it is sexist, gender biased, and politically incorrect. I am not interested in defending the problems that emerged from past eras wherein women had zero choices; however, when observing today’s examples, it seems we have thrown the bath water out with the baby!  The modern woman wildly objects to the notion that she is a principle preserver of humanity and a tamer of the Casanova brand. “Not I,” says the woman hoping to emerge as Casanova’s double as a way of getting even with bad acting men. Today, men and women remain suspicious of the opposite gender after having used or abused the other. All of us search for love for a lifetime — but it doesn’t just happen unexpectedly. We have to work for it by cooperating with our natural makeup, God’s moral laws, and a natural, healthy  dependence on the opposite sex. 

Women who reject their natural status as a double benefactress of society learn to prefer doing over being — akin to many males. These women long for personal success over marriage and motherhood. They fail to realize that doing small things with great love is far more important than doing great things with little love (Mother Teresa). Sheen delicately reminds us that women’s passions are naturally directed toward the building up of lasting and meaningful relationships — as wife and then mother and we should be proud of that status. Encouraging women to re-direct their natural passions elsewhere — in order to advance their own accomplishments — is counterproductive especially for young children who suddenly feel expendable. Women exchanging sacrificial giving for selfish taking will never be satisfied.  Women convinced that marriage and motherhood are the very stumbling blocks to their personal success look to abortion and contraception for help but won’t find it there. 

Today’s women all too often feel more harried, hassled, and hurried through life rather than feeling contented or happy.  We are easily worn out and worn down by the giving we do; however, this is amplified when focusing on doing more than on being. We all know what that means. Having a prolonged self focus is a poison that renders all of us incapable of taming or civilizing any wildness — including our own. The desire to preserve mankind; to be a double benefactress for humanity; to be a principle moral provider gets lost in the process. 

John Paul II believed that one of the beautiful mysteries regarding pregnancy is that the process naturally attaches child to mother and mother to child —  physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, and psychologically — if and when mothers allow it! The sharing of one heart and one body for a time is the means by which mother and baby remain close during and after birth. In fact, they remain close for a lifetime. Fathers do not share this one heart one body phenomena when their wife is pregnant so they miss out on this natural bond at first. Fathers also do not have to endure the natural sufferings of pregnancy and childbirth offered up by mother for the child’s sake - another opportunity for self sacrifice. Neither do fathers share the same physiological or chemical makeup that promotes nurturing. Consequently, men have to work harder to secure close, emotional bonds with their children — but for many they never feel that they really get there. Women produce more oxytocin than men — this is the natural love hormone! Men, on the other hand, produce more vasopressin than women. Men are quite capable of teaching their children to just get over it, stop feeling sorry for yourself, put your big boy pants on, stop crying, and stop punching. These lessons are important for learning self sufficiency and controlling aggression. Both hormones are necessary — but the latter doesn’t promote those warm, fuzzy feelings associated with love. (James Taranto. The Politicization of Motherhood. October 28-29, 2017. Opinion Column. The Wall Street Journal) 

The Parable of the Sower and the Seed is an allegory about women — in my opinion. Surprising to me, Blessed Fulton J. Sheen talked about this parable in terms of mothers in the 1950’s. [Fulton J. Sheen. Three to Get Married p. 150. 1951] Let me explain. Using the sequence found in this parable from Mark 4:1-20, the first mother allows “the seed to fall beside the path so the birds can eat them up”. This mother fails to protect her seeds of grain and goes so far as to ensure that her seed will die — be eaten up. Her seeds of grain symbolize fertility. Women procuring an abortion, or resorting to other means (use of abortifacients or other agents) that deliberately destroy her seed are represented in this first example. This mother is either fearful of pregnancy or wary enough to ensure that her seed does not grow. The second mother in the parable allows her “seed to fall on rocky ground where the soil was shallow and as soon as the sun came up the grains shriveled up and died.” Women who use artificial hormones that shrivel up the lining of her womb so that her seed dries up and withers (via the Pill, etc.) allow their seed to fall on rocky ground - figuratively speaking.  The mother who allows her “grain to fall among briers and weeds so that the grain was smothered” fails to nurture the children she already has. The briers and weeds represent competing interests and distractions which diminish a mother’s ability to nurture her offspring. The mother who allows the “grain to fall on good soil where it grew and multiplied a hundredfold”represents mothers who generously bring forth life so the world is made new. God is happy with her generosity. 

In closing, a mother is the “most important person on earth. While she cannot claim the honor for having built Notre Dame Cathedral she need not. She has built something even more significant than any cathedral — a dwelling place for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby’s body.  The Angels have not been blessed with such grace. They cannot share in God’s creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven. Only a human mother can. Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other Creature. God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation. What on God’s good earth is more glorious than this—to be a mother?” [Prayer by Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty] This mother is the real Wonder Woman - not the scantily clad representative who is stronger than men and a demigod herself. The real Wonder Woman always pursues virtue including self sacrifice. Her Imitation of Christ suits her well. Let’s put our real Wonder Woman genius and talents to work today!

Points to Ponder 

What do women do really well because of their gender? 

What is meant by a female genius? (use Theology of the Body arguments) 

What are things really more difficult to do because we are women? 

What ways do you civilize the world you dwell in? 

If You See Something, Say Something

If  You See Something, Say Something … 

Dorothy Day and Peter Mauyrin, co-founders of the Catholic Worker Movement, defined a good society as one that makes it easy to be good. When asked, a group of students admitted to me that it is not easy to be good today — and for a variety of reasons. They cited the usual reasons: drugs, money, materialism, consumerism, and sexual decoys. But not one of them admitted to knowing or having the necessary tools to withstand these decoys. 

Raising children has always been challenging. It’s probably fair to state that it will always be challenging to raise any person with a free will. But why does it feel especially problematic today? I will argue that it is because we have become such a tolerant people! 

Yes, we have learned how to be tolerant and so we raise tolerant children. But tolerance shoves authentic love right out of our hearts, minds and souls. It breaks my heart to watch middle school aged children approach each other every morning at the corner school bus stop. All of the children arrive from the houses that sit within a block of each other; yet, every day the children act as if they don’t know each other and have never seen each other before.  The children approach the stop reluctantly, and then just stand quietly together yet apart. In fact, the students remain a good yardstick away from each other. They do not acknowledge each other with either a glance or a word — yet they were created to be social beings! What’s up with the distance between these kids? These kids totally ignore each other — and every day! This is the freshest face of  tolerance; it looks and feels kind of ugly…

Hollywood just got rocked by one of its biggest scandals ever. Finger pointing in all directions is still going on. The only good news about the scandal is that it might pave the way for us to recognize how and why tolerance is largely to blame here.

Yet, every society requires authentic love to survive and thrive. We are all called to love each other as Christ loves us. Our social contract with society should mean that we honor moral living for the sake of others. And that requires the arming of self with pivotal personal virtues including Justice, Fortitude, Temperance and Prudence. So, when we see something, we must say something for the sake of others. We are all harmed by the fact that tolerance beats out love. Thankfully, random acts of love committed during recent hurricane, firestorm, and earthquake tragedies helped remind us of what our real social contract with others ought to look and feel like. We are indebted to love as Christ loves us — that is our mandate today, tomorrow and the next. 

Societies thrive when social relationships are healthy and good; this requires that we challenge each other to become the best version of themselves. It’s not ok to allow the young to ignore each other at the corner bus stop. It’s not ok to allow a grandma to continue getting gruffer and rougher as she ages just because she is getting older. It's not ok that mom and dad don’t have time for their children but have time for their bosses. It’s not ok that marriages dissolve and families continue to be torn apart. It’s not ok that pornography keeps being allowed to pummel US families to death with its falsified images and messages. It’s not ok to use anyone for any reason; and it's never ok to allow oneself to be used by someone else in order to get ahead. We need to say something when we see these things happening rather than standing silently around with our hands in our pockets like the tolerant school bus children. Real relationships thrive on authentic love; they falter under tolerance. The same goes for society at large. 

Recent events expose how wrong we have been about tolerance and the you do your thing and let me do my thing mentality [aka relativism]. For too long, we have allowed really bad actors and really bad actions and activities to break apart families and communities under the disguise of tolerance. We hide behind the false notion that talking about sex, politics and religion is the problem — rather than the solution.  We hide behind the banner of tolerance rather than standing for goodness and rightness and against wrongness and badness. And there is plenty of that going around as noticed by the kids in my group who admitted it is really hard to be a good teen today. 

Have you noticed that tolerance forces us to use newly coined words and phrases that have little meaning while dropping off the use of meaningful words and phrases from conversations? When was the last time you heard someone insist that virtue is the antidote for all the wrongs in our society?  They are right, by the way — as well as citing the need for faith, prayer, and self sacrifice. 

And what about within your own families? Surely, you may have noticed an emerging adult son become overly distracted by activities that do not make him a better version of himself. Perhaps his relationship with a girlfriend is disconcerting to you. What do you say? The culture tells us to hold back — say nothing — while hoping that things get better. How is that working out for him and you? Wouldn’t it be better to say something when you see something? All the while employing the cardinal virtues when speaking out of course. Or do you just tolerate situations and circumstances to keep a very fragile peace? What do you say when your beautiful daughter dresses to impress for the wrong reasons? When we see something, we must say something out of love for the whole person! 

Pooh to those who taught us that it's not polite to talk about sex, politics and religion. This revisionist tolerance pushed aside real Love and replaced it with fake love. This made it harder to be good and to go about the business of guiding each other to live and love as God intended.

Listening - the Virtue

 “Why did God make you? God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him for ever in heaven. Which are the two great commandments that contain the whole law of God? The two great commandments that contain the whole law of God are:  1. Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole mind, and with thy whole strength; and 2. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” [Baltimore Catechism Lesson 1 & 189] 

Contained within simple, faith filled dogma are the roadmaps leading us toward a purposeful life that includes meaningful relationships with God, family, friends and neighbors. God’s [and His Church’s] directions for life simplify what we tend to over-complicate; G.K.Chesterton quipped that morality is always dreadfully complicated to a man who has lost his principles.  Unfortunately, the more we detach from God and His lessons on life, the more we fail to authentically love each other. And the less we love others authentically — the less we listen to them virtuously.

Recently, I was invited to facilitate a small group of women signed up to discuss Jesus Approaches by Elizabeth Kelly. The author treated the small group facilitators to a morning of reflection prior to the kickoff of an eight week book study for women. Elizabeth introduced the need to listen to others actively and reverentially. While not exactly referring to listening as a virtue, it certainly rises to that description when we do it consistently right.

We are created by God as social persons who thrive on fellowship and other personal relationships. All of our social engagements require talking with each other. And how most of us love to talk! On any given day, men and women utter nearly 17,000 words/person/day! It used to be said that women out-talked men — no matter the setting. Recent research reveals “women talk more — more often, at greater length and about more personal topics. But that’s private speaking — conversations that negotiate and strengthen personal relationships. Men tend to talk far more than women in what might be called public speaking — formal business-focused contexts, like meetings.”[The Truth About How Much Women Talk — and Whether Men Listen by Deborah Tannen, linguistics professor. June 28, 2017] 

The spoken word is an entreaty to someone to listen! Few of us like talking to ourselves — at least audibly. If we accidentally emit self talk, we hope nobody is within ear shot out of embarrassment or fear of being labeled doddery. 

How well do we need to listen to other people? We all know what it feels like to talk to someone who does not hear or listen to us. The first requires us to talk louder or clearer. The second situation infers that the listener doesn’t care to listen to us for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they are bored with us; or are just plain ignoring us due to anger. We fail to listen when distracted by something or someone else. Multi-tasking makes it difficult to listen. Regardless of  the reason, not being listened to feels disrespectful. 

Have you seen the TV commercial showing a man under the sink fixing the plumbing while his wife is standing over him and talking? Eventually the wife wonders if her husband is listening because his responses amount to grunts at natural conversational pauses. She tests his listening by saying something very disparaging about him and his response was merely the same grunt. She naturally feels hurt by his lack of attention and his pretense of listening to her. 

Not one person enjoys being ignored or half listened to. We feel disrespected when we are ignored by our spouse or children or even the boss, an employee, or a sales associate from a local store. We all want people to listen to and hear the words coming out of our mouths. I recently asked my book club if they know when someone is/is not listening to them and how that makes them feel. As if on cue, they collectively sighed a yes — confirming their hurt.  Not listening to someone is counterproductive to the building up or maintenance of good, healthy, personal relationships. 

So, yes, all of us are called to listen to each other fully, actively and reverentially. And when we do so, we begin to hone the art of virtuous listening. Some people are naturally better at this than others though a high percentage of us benefit from thinking about the need for virtuous listening and what it entails.

The virtue of listening requires that we listen with both ears while simultaneously engaging the brain and the eye to eye contact. It requires us to nix multi-tasking when talking with someone. It’s disturbing that people think they can actually carry on multiple conversations at the same time while viewing someone’s Instagram! That is not virtuous listening. The virtue of listening entails trying to understand the “humanity behind the words of the other, and patiently summons one’s own best self, best words and best questions.” [Krista Tippett, On the Lost Social Art of Listening. June 29, 2017. https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/10180-on-the-lost-social-art-of-listening] 

But virtuous listening requires more than just fostering a generous desire to understand. It requires us to deny ourselves any temptation to interrupt the other person even when bursting with information valuable to the conversation at hand — even when we consider our side thoughts, personal commentary, or gotcha questions to be important or significant or pertinent. We have to let someone finish their thoughts first and that requires our full attention and restraint. When our minds wander off during the conversation — for any reason — we distract ourselves from paying attention. Interrupting someone with personal commentary distracts him/her from telling a full story. Virtuous listening requires us to silence our hearts and minds in order to receive another person’s words —  well. All of us have to fight the boredom that may set in when listening to a rather long monologue or when a person is talking about something we are not very interested in. Listening well requires the avoidance of any type of pretense. Virtuous listening requires us to set aside personal agendas or points of view — at least while the person is talking. It means avoiding the temptation to fix someone’s problem — right then and there. It avoids the giving of any negative, harmful critique, feedback, or opinion. It requires that we pay visual attention to the person talking with us [unless we are on the phone]. Virtuous listening is reverential of the speaker; it is also active. This means listening with respect, honor for, and love of the person talking with us simply because he/she is a child of God. Virtuous listening prompts the asking of generous, good questions when seeking clarification — after the person is done talking. On the other hand, “inappropriate questions tend to provoke fights or advance assumptions masked as an inquiry. Our responses ought to invite honesty, dignity, and revelation. There is something redemptive and life-giving about asking a better question.” [Krista Tippett; On the Lost Social Art of Listening. June 29, 2017. https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/10180-on-the-lost-social-art-of-listening] 

Providing feedback or food for later thought is also helpful when the timing is right. Finally, virtuous listening requires us to tell someone when we do not have the time — right then and there — to really listen to them but would love to hear their story at a later date — and mean it. Our words have to be honest and respectful — no matter what part of the conversation we are having.

Kirsta’s comments about questions being redemptive and life giving remind us why listening is a virtue when attended to actively, reverently and consistently. Indeed, our words can be affirming, redemptive and life giving  —  but so is our listening. We feel well loved when we are listened to with someone’s rapt attention.

The rules-to-follow for cultivating the virtue of listening are difficult to stick to — especially for yours truly. Maybe that’s why I like writing! Virtuous listening is always going to be extremely difficult to practice when we presume that we have a lot of advice to offer someone. That’s where pride can take over! It’s true, mothers grow accustomed to the giving of a lot of advice while actively parenting; but that doesn’t mean that we continue that practice long after the child has become an adult. And it certainly doesn’t mean that our emerging adults are listening. Like other virtues, practice makes perfect. The breaking of bad habits has to be deliberate and intentional. Finally, Elizabeth Kelly reminds us that virtuous listening allows us to actively listen for the presence of the Lord. 

Is that why so few people are listening to God today — because few are talking with Him to begin with? Have we strayed so far from the habitual practice of putting on virtue that we simply cannot listen well for the Lord? As goes the natural order, so goes the supernatural. If we don’t listen well to fellow human beings, how well are we going to listen to God? So He said, "Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD." And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake, a fire but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, "What are you doing here, Elijah? [1 Kings 19: 11-13]

It bears repeating that the opposing vices to virtuous listening include pride, arrogance, conceit, the deliberate ignoring of someone; disrespect of others; selfishness; self-interests; pretensions; and the criticizing of others. On the other hand, virtuous listening is well supported by the virtues of humility, love, concern for others, prudence, interest in others, respect, honor, selflessness, etc. It takes patience and effort to put on any virtue — including virtuous listening. Even when feeling disrespected by someone who time and again fails to listen to us, we ought never to seek revenge or pay back. Arming ourselves with personal virtue — including forgiveness of others — allows us to become better listeners and in turn better spouses, friends, neighbors and parents.  Putting on virtue helps to promote every aspect of our personal relationships. Good listening is a virtue to teach to children at every opportunity that presents itself. Remember, your children are watching you! 

Arm yourselves with the natural virtue of listening well — with your spouses when they speak to you;  with your children when they speak to you; with family members and neighbors. You may be amazed at how your personal relationships improve. Finally, listen to hear God’s voice out of love for Him. “You know well enough that Our Lord does not look so much at the greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, but at the love with which we do them.” St. Therése of Lisieux 

Questions to ponder: 

1. How well do you listen to others? What can you do to become a virtuous listener? 
2. How well are you listened to by family and friends? 
3. How well do you listen to God? 

TRUST

“Trust is a fundamental basis of morality. ”

A virtue is readily identified as the good actor while an opposing vice is the bad one. Virtue is always a virtue; vice is always a vice. Right?

Trust and Trustworthiness are virtues and Distrust and Untrustworthiness are opposing vices; however, there are certain situations and circumstances that seem to warrant distrust and untrustworthiness, in my opinion. For example, some adults [young and old] are all too easily duped or deceived by people you or I would naturally suspect. Yet, these adults are often described as being very trusting individuals. What about the person who refuses to report an acquaintance’s criminal activity? Perhaps the criminal would feel that the silent friend is very trustworthy whereas you or I would call it something else. However, being on-guard against con artists and revealing criminal activities would always be good choices rather than bad ones. The problem seems to be a matter of semantics rather than concluding that sometimes virtues morph into vice or that vice can become a virtue. Being easily duped is best described as gullibility, immaturity, or callowness rather than trust. Similarly, false loyalty or faulty loyalty — rather than trustworthy — best describes the friend who keeps secret the crimes of his criminal friends. We should be able to state that a virtue is always a virtue and a vice is always a vice. Let’s move on and discuss the virtue called trust.

Trust is “not merely a feeling; but, it is a feeling that necessarily flows into doing something good for one another.” [adapted from Rabbi David Wolpe’s definition of love. Wolpe was named among the 50 most influential Jews in the world by the Jerusalem Post. Feb. 16, 2016. http://time.com/4225777/meaning-of-love/]. 

Like love, trust naturally brings goods and good things to other people. Let’s discuss them. The goods and good things just mentioned are intrinsic and extrinsic goods. They arrive in the same measure that we trust one another. Trust makes it possible to want to help other people. Trust is the virtue that makes cooperation possible while also making cooperation easier and simpler. Ultimately, trust deepens our respect, compassion and empathy for others. It facilitates healthy, mutual dependencies among those we trust. Trust promotes friendships. It develops healthy work environments. Trust promotes social health and wellbeing. Trust encourages neighbors to help each other; thereby making the neighborhood an enjoyable place to live. Trust is the cement that bonds people together. Trust enables us to grow in our understanding about other people and the world they live in. Trust helps us feel secure about ourselves. Trust helps the people we trust to feel good about themselves. Trust creates natural, healthy autonomies and dependencies within societies and families. Trust fosters moral maturity and responsibility toward others. Trust is a necessary ingredient for moral decision making and corresponding action. Trust helps us feel appreciated, understood, and loved by others. Trust opens us up to each other while rendering us open and vulnerable; yet, we don’t worry about vulnerability when interacting with those we trust.  Trust is the necessary virtue for all healthy interpersonal relationships; but especially between spouses; parents and their children; and God and his children. These positive effects reveal why trust is indeed more than a feeling — it is a feeling that necessarily flows into doing something good for one another. Trust is inextricably linked to our feelings and emotions. Trust develops other companion virtues including hope and optimism. Trust facilitates the giving and receiving of the gift of “assured reliance on someone’s character, ability, and strengths”. [Merriam Webster’s definition] In other words, trust is basically an implicit promise to honor, to be loyal to, and to be respectful of another person. It is fundamental to the marriage vows even if the promise to trust and to be trustworthy is not expressly stated. [Many of the previous various ideas are adopted from the following source:  https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/trust/]

As already stated, virtuous behavior naturally spawns other virtuous acts. Trust supports and is supportive of many different, yet similar, companion, human virtues including loyalty, respect, hope, optimism, trustworthiness, love, justice, cooperation, and compassion for others. Eons ago, Sirach taught: “If you choose, you can keep the commandments; loyalty is doing the will of God. Set before you are fire and water; to whatever you choose, stretch out your hand. Before everyone are life and death, whichever they choose will be given them.” [Sirach 15: 15-17] Consider how this applies to all virtue and specifically trust. 

When trust is absent, opposing vices easily fill its void including: betrayal, unhealthy doubt, pessimism, skepticism, disloyalty, disrespect, hatred, injustice; and deceit. Recent public protests and demonstrations showcase many of these vices which tear down trust necessary for healthy, social co-existence. The protests show that our culture suffers from an underlying distrust of persons, ideas, and even agencies including the Church and other institutions. Societies will struggle and even fall when citizens grow excessively wary of each other’s words, actions and motives. Friendships fall apart when distrust replaces trust. Marriages fail when deceitfulness overtakes trustworthiness. One’s overall wellbeing is sometimes a measure of our personal treasure trove of virtues vs vice; the same can be said of entire cultures. 

So, how do we put on trust? Trust is both learned and earned! As we mature, we learn to trust others through verification. We begin with those closest to us. Consider babies. At birth, babies are naturally trusting because they have yet to experience disappointment or betrayal. Around seven months of age, babies begin to express stranger fear/anxiety because they finally realize that everyone is not necessarily mother, father or siblings; although they may have developed a preference for certain individuals within their immediate family. This new awareness protects babies as they are not yet able to verify the trustworthiness of strangers. Their fear of strangers gradually diminishes as baby observes his parents interact with friendly ‘strangers’. Even toddlers and pre-schoolers remain wary of strangers longer than we realize and for good reason. Gradually, children give and receive conditional trust because of emerging verification skills. 

How do we verify the trustworthiness of others? The verification processes involve studying a person of interest, observing him while interacting with others; listening to his ideas and thoughts; discussing topics with him; questioning his ideas; receiving input from others about him; getting to know him personally; and trying to understand his motives, beliefs and worldview. It is next to impossible to verify someone’s motives — even though motives really tell us who the real person is. All of us ought to reveal our motives so others don’t have to guess them — assuming we understand them ourselves. When a person’s motives remain a mystery, we are forced to draw conclusions about his/her trustworthiness based on the other verification systems listed above; our final conclusion about their trustworthiness may be off the mark when jumping to conclusions about their motives.  Trust eventually loses most of its conditionality when determining that someone is trustworthy; we then form the belief that the person of interest is truthful, sincere, and trustworthy — or not. 

Trust is shattered through the act of betrayal of someone’s trust. We automatically link betrayal to cheating on a spouse but it is has a broader context. Feeling betrayed may happen for the following reasons and situations; including the discovery of a hidden addiction of a loved one, friend or coworker. Persons who feel used by someone for any reason — financial, social, or others — will often feel betrayed by the person they trusted. Getting ripped off  financially by a trusted person is betrayal. Constant lying to someone betrays trust. Talking or gossiping about others can make the person being talked about feel betrayed. Abandonment - whatever the age or relationship can feel like betrayal. Revealing someone’s deepest secret without permission is a form of betrayal. Giving up on a friendship or marriage for little or no reason feels like betrayal. Discovery that a loved one has committed a serious crime feels like betrayal. Turning friends or family members against each other during arguments, court cases, or work disputes, can feel like betrayal. The pain felt by betrayal depends on the degree of trust placed on the betrayer. It also depends on the seriousness of the offense to the person who has been betrayed. Betrayal is one of the deepest hurts ever felt because it lays bare a person’s vulnerability and exposes it to the world as if it were their fault for trusting someone. Betrayal takes advantage of a person’s good will and optimistic hopes. It forces us to erase our belief system about someone. [https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/04/12/dealing-with-betrayal/ and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/23/worse-than-cheating_n_6036228.html]

Unconditional trust has no reason to monitor, track, question, or constrict the actions of someone we trust. However, after betrayal, that is exactly what we are tempted to do to prevent future episodes of betrayal and to diminish the hurt that we feel. These self-preservation efforts trend us toward becoming invulnerable rather than open to new-found trust. Broken trust doesn’t just lie dormant; it remains lost. Consequently, a betrayed person is also in danger of succumbing to vice that pretends to heal brokenness including acting out with anger, disrespect, hatred, injustice, vengeance, retaliating against the perpetrator; and other vice. Perhaps William Congreve himself betrayed a woman and therefore knew full well her fury when writing:“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Unfortunately, the betrayer often ends up in a better spot — emotionally,  psychologically, and socially —  than the person he/she betrayed.

Attempting to control someone's will, actions or life does not heal anyone; neither does it remove distrust. Betrayal undermines one’s sense of confidence and reality about self.  How does healing take place? It never helps to be told: just get over it or its time to move on.The emotions and feelings involved after a betrayal are very real and they run too deep to ignore, stuff inside or bat away without suffering serious consequences to social, psychological, physical, spiritual, or mental wellbeing.

The hurt caused by the betrayal becomes the opportunity to become even more merciful, forgiving, strong, and Christ-like through prayer, appropriate personal action, and decision making. It helps to seek expert advice so that the path forward is highly influenced by helpful directions, guidance, and oversight. This helps to ensure that he/she remains appropriately open and vulnerable, a just forgiver, and has new opportunities for personal growth.

How does disappointment in someone compare with betrayal? The difference between the two are hugely different. Disappointment does not feel as crushing as the feelings caused by betrayal. If you wondered about the difference, you probably haven’t been betrayed; perhaps you have merely felt  disappointed in someone. Feeling disappointed in someone proves two things: the trust we had in that person was very conditional — and probably for very just cause; and the act that disappointed us was probably not that serious. Let me give a few examples. Most parents realize their children are not perfect; therefore, they expect to be disappointed occasionally by their child’s choices, decisions and lack of maturity. Of course, committed parents are disappointed to learn that their child was unruly in the classroom, disrespected a teacher; was mean to another child; lied about something; was disobedient; cheated on an exam; or other misbehavior. Yet, we expect some of these things to happen as our children experience new people, places and things. Children have yet to mature so they do stupid things, make immature decisions, and say inappropriate words. They will never be perfect; neither will we. The feelings of disappointment range from low to high depending on the expectations of the parents, whether the act was new or repeat, and the degree of the wrongdoing. Like betrayal, disappointment provides us with the opportunity to teach, train, and supervise our children so they learn from their mistakes and our disappointments. Disappointment provides parents the opportunity to help their child become a better version of himself. [Matthew Kelly] So, parents set consequences, set higher expectations about future results, and monitor their children’s compliance. During a Fortifying Families of Faith workshop for parents, a psychologist stated that its important to remind our children that we trust them but we don’t trust their judgement  — yet. This statement seems to miss the truth about Trust. Unconditional trust involves trusting someone’s character, judgement, choices, decisions, etc.  Parents lack trust in their child because their whole personhood is immature! The way teens see others, ask questions, calculate situations, interpret, judge, and verify people, places and things is immature. We don’t just call into question their ability to judge; parents ought to call their whole verification processes into question. Parents’ trust of their children should remain highly conditional until they demonstrate mature behavior consistently. Until then, parents will be occasionally disappointed by our teens and adolescents and even college age children. 

Who do we trust fully and unconditionally? Your answer should focus on Three Persons - God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. Everyone else was born under the [except Mary] yoke of original sin and susceptible to the influence of concupiscence. None of us are completely and unconditionally trustworthy in all situations and circumstances. But we can work on reversing the effects of that condition can’t we? Not one of us will ever have to verify the trust of the three Divine Persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They will not disappoint or betray us — ever. Even though we betray God through personal sin, He does not turn on us. God’s response to our betrayals — past, present and future —  was His willingness to sacrifice His only son - Jesus. And Jesus’ yes was his response to His Father. Similar to human betrayals, Jesus’ sacrifice becomes our opportunity to receive God’s perfect love and grace. 

How do we learn to trust God? Trust begins naturally and gradually opens us up to pondering supernatural trust. We begin to better understand God’s Supernatural Trust by understanding the great blessings provided to us by natural trust. We begin to understand supernatural trust by meditation on the Crucifixion and Death of Jesus. He teaches us what betrayal feels like and how to respond. 

Only God is perfectly Trustworthy; only He is full of Truth, Integrity, Purity of Motive, Optimism, and authentic Love. God will never betray us; we can depend on that. That is what drives our Faith, Hope and Charity. God’s trust is the standard to use when learning and earning fellow human’s trust. God’s Trust created the world; it continues to support creation despite the original betrayal by Adam and Eve; the next betrayal by God’s beloved Jewish people, and our ongoing betrayal of God because of sin. He continues to love and forgive and show mercy — unconditionally — if we seek it. Let this be our example to live by. 

Questions to ponder: 

1. Pray for Trust. 
2. Have you ever been betrayed? What was your response? Have you forgiven them? Have you been able to re-learn how to trust that person? Why or why not? 
3. Have you ever betrayed someone? What were the consequences and effects on you and the person you betrayed? Have you sought forgiveness and mercy from them? 
4. What does trust mean to you? 
5. Did you disagree with anything in this article? What was it? 
6. Did you ever consider other types of betrayals before — other than within marriage? 
7. Have you been disappointed in your children or spouse or siblings? Explain how that differs from feelings of betrayal. 
8. List the opportunities provided by the betrayals and disappointments. Thank God for these opportunities. 
9. How does Sirach 15:15-17 pertain to any discussion about trust?